Buffy in Dreamland
by Shieldage
Summary: After an encounter with a renegade from Xanth, the Slayer's left adrift in a very strange world.
1. Board

BtVS by Whedon and Mutant Enemy. "Fish" by Jen LeMaire. The Land of Xanth created and populated by Piers Anthony; most of this happens inside the Gourd which is a lot more surreal than mainland Xanth, but also has fewer puns.

This is set immediately before 'Night Mare'. Some spoilers, but not many.

Jinni, one of the _Twisting the Hellmouth_ admins, posted a Challenge asking for crossover stories inspired by Jen LeMaire's 1990 eight-line poem "Fish". Sounds fun. I guess I'll take the lines, found at _sithspit dot com / jen / fish dot htm , _one at a time.

* * *

While on patrol, Buffy heard some cries of pain and came running.

_Gee, this really brings back memories of old movies_ she thought as she arrived on scene_. Funny, those don't look like cowboys... Looks like I'm going to be breaking a few necks tonight._

There were a half-a-dozen short green demons pestering some horses. She'd killed some before, but she'd never bothered to ask Giles what they ate.

From the sharp stick with a spigot on the end they were trying to shove into the animal's flank... Ewww...

"This is a one-horse town," she drawled loudly.

They spun around to face her.

"It's simply not big enough for-"_ Wait a second._ "Horses?"

The two animals were frightened, their eyes rolling back and forth.

They were tied up to the bike rack in front of a bookstore...

They looked nearly as out of place in Sunnydale as that glowing portal she saw out of the corner of her eye.

Nope. They looked_ more_ out of place.

_Weird, _she thought as she raised her stake.

The demons had gotten over their shock and had, snarling, begun to advance.

And from the sound of it... Yep, she was surrounded.

She spun around suddenly and staked the first one that had tried jumping off a roof and onto her.

There were more where that one came from.

##

It was messy work. She was way outnumbered.

She could've easily left, but...

Fortunately, she didn't have to.

The sound of cracking bones alerted her to a friend in the fray.

She spun around and took in the sight of the massive white stallion squishing demon skulls left and right.

When the last of the smelly things were dispatched, the gorgeous horse reared back on his hind legs, let out a triumphant whinny, and ran off into the night.

##

She stared after the beast, then walked up and tried to calm the two still tied up.

After a bit, they let themselves be petted.

"Hey, I'm sure your owner will be coming back through here... That portal looks like his way home... I'll just go and kick his butt for leaving you alone on a Hellmouth. Alright?"

One of them nickered pleasantly.

"Good."

* * *

From the top of a roof she saw a strangely dressed man in the middle of a circle of vampires.

"Look. We don't need a refugee from a fairy land coming here and askin' favors of us." A vampire snarled as he shifted into game face. "We're not going to leave this place of buildings and easy prey for an open forest, no matter how tempting the pay is."

"Matter of fact, _Horseman_, " the vamp practically yelled as he walked closer to the stranger. "Me and my gang here are just going to take this insult outta your hide."

The smirk was wiped off his demony face when a bolt suddenly thudded into his chest.

He was reaching to pull it out, when he dissolved into dust.

Buffy made short work of the other vamps, then trained her crossbow on the man.

He was dressed in brown, in a practical style centuries out of fashion. He had a scabbard fastened about his waist and a brass ring around a wrist.

She'd seen something shiny on the white stallion as well. Probably two of a kind.

He was handsome enough, but something about the smile he was giving her made her want to stay on the roof.

"What? You want me to call the ASPCA? You can't just let animals run loose on a Hellmouth!"

"You must be a hero," the guy said, his grin growing wider.

"Pretty much, but it's not like I asked to be one."

The man raised his left hand and...

Buffy didn't move, but she could suddenly see behind the man, as if she was a movie camera being pushed along a track.

She suddenly could see the portal, way across Sunnydale, and the lush green of the forest through it.

She was forced to watch the edges of the portal disappear behind her, the trees fly by, as her point of view neared an odd patch of squash.

They all seemed to have holes in them and, as her line of sight drew nearer, she-

##

The Horseman grinned so much the top of his head nearly toppled off, but he was able to hold it in place.

The blonde girl slowly sank to her knees and sprawled limply across the roof.

The young woman, whoever she was, had held on longer then most.

In the half-second of time available she'd even managed to close her eyes.

Of course, it hadn't helped.

_One less worry, _he thought, then frowned. _But also one more kind of 'mundane' monster that I can't recruit... On to the next._

The previous Waves of Conquest trying to take over Xanth had mainly failed because they all drew from mainland Mundania, with its purely human stock.

He had finagled his way here, to an alternate Mundania, in search of the monsters and the foreign magics that filled this specific reality.

So far, he hadn't had that much luck...

* * *

Buffy blinked, then blinked again.

_I hate portals, _she thought.

"At least this one's interesting."

She looked around her.

The sky above was as white as an overturned bowl and the ground, no... The _liquid_ below looked like a sea of milk with cheerios floating in it.

She was on a small plank of wood floating in mid-air.

There, too far for even her to jump, was another board floating at a lower height.

Just above the frothy surface of the lake was yet another board.

Yep. Nothing in reach.

As a next to last resort she yelled for help.

On receiving no answer... She took a deep breath, rolled her eyes, and dove from the highboard.


	2. Marshmallow

BtVS by Whedon and Mutant Enemy. "Fish" by Jen LeMaire. The Land of Xanth created and populated by Piers Anthony; the Gourd's more surreal and less pun-heavy than mainland Xanth.

One of Jinni's Poetry Challenges asks for crossover stories inspired by Jen LeMaire's 1990 eight-line poem "Fish". Sounds fun. I guess I'll take the lines, found at _sithspit dot com / jen / fish dot htm , _one at a time.

* * *

In mid-air, Buffy had time to think: _Gee, I really think that's liquid... I sure hope I don't bounce._

Then her above average dive, probably an 8.5, ended with her completely submerged in the white liquid.

She opened her eyes, but all she could see was white suffused with yellow from the sun's rays diffusing through the liquid.

She kicked her legs and swam. Her head broke the surface, but she was still completely covered in the foamy stuff. It plastered her hair back, covered her eyelids and generally made a mess of her clothes.

Panicking slightly, despite herself, she spluttered, winding up a mouthful of the stuff.

She spit out most of it, then, after taking the time to analyze the taste and texture, swallowed the rest.

"Hello? Hello?" she called. "Is this a commercial?"

When no one answered she thought to herself: _I guess not, but that's the only thing that would make sense... Either that, or there's an immense colony of plants at the bottom of this lake oozing sugar... I mean who in their right mind would just leave a lake of marshmallow creme to bake in the sun?_

She looked around, trying to get her bearings in the vast lake.

She shaded her eyes with a hand and stared up at the sun.

It waved back.

_I stand corrected,_ she thought. _Either this entire reality is insane, or I'm in a coma... Oh well._

Frowning, she grabbed hold of a passing graham cracker and began to kick her way to the distant shore.

She thought she was making surprising headway, even considering her Slayer strength, until she looked over her shoulder and realized that the far coast was getting nearer because the lake was getting smaller.

About ten seconds later, she was able to stand up on her feet and, carrying the graham cracker like a surfboard, wade out of the shallow pool.

##

She was standing in the backyard of a house. It looked like a S'More had exploded.

There was a gate to the side, apparently forged from molten chocolate. It was cool to the touch, but when she opened it she realized the the side that faced the front of the house was made entirely of licorice.

There was a rock candy garden in front of the house, an imposing edifice that smelled suspiciously of gingerbread.

The entire place looked like a diabetic's nightmarish version of suburbia. Right down to the powdered sugar snowflakes that began to drift down from the sky.

She looked up and immediately regretted it.

"Oh, my God... The sun has a bucket. And little arms. And..."

Seeing the impish look on the sun's face, she looked around for cover, but she could see none other than the house.

The dark sugar-pane windows eyed her ominously, but she was out of options. She opened the door and walked into the house, just as the sun upended the bucket and an immense powdered sugar snowdrift ***WUMPH!*** completely enveloped the house.

The house rattled and dust settled down from the rafters, but it was able to bear the added weight... However all outside light was completely cut off, leaving Buffy in the dark.

* * *

"You have a strange sort of power," Rack said, sniffing the Horseman closely, before going back a step in disgust. "Only it smells too much like sweat for my taste. What do you seek here? Energy? Favors?"

The Horseman considered this... He had, while wandering through town, felt a faint calling and stepped through an otherwise mundane alleyway to emerge in this odd-shaped waiting room.

Before he replied, he glanced over at the addicts sprawled in various places.

_No_, he shuddered faintly, as he spoke aloud. "I have all the power I need. What I lack is troops. Those who would willingly risk death if, at the end, they would be vastly rewarded by me as the new ruler of my homeland."

"I see, I could put you in touch with a band of M'Fashnik demons. They're pretty competent mercenaries, as long as they're convinced they'll get what they want..."

A brunette and a red-head stumbled out of the back-room, arm in arm, giggling so hard they could barely stand. Nearly tripping over their own feet they walked out the front door, flowers blooming on the cushions in their wake.

The Horseman, disgusted by this, made an excuse and left the dark place of business, without closing the deal...

* * *

Unable to see in the pitch black, Buffy stood still and listened to the faint scratching noise that seemed to be completely surrounding her.

Very gently and slowly, she reached forward, aiming for where the wall surely must have been, only to be blinded by an immense burst of light the instant her fingers made contact.

Blinking, she suddenly realized that all the walls and ceilings of the house were completely covered in crawling glowbugs. Their opening all of their wings at exactly the same second had been a shock, but once her eyes adjusted, she was able to see.

Choosing the corridor she felt was most likely to take her to the back door, in case she needed to escape, she began to explore the house.

_It's not like I have anything better to do... I've got to get back to Sunnydale and mindless exploration might actually help..._

As she walked through the house, she noticed that while there was constant light ahead of her, the glowbugs she passed closed their wings... Darkness followed at her heels.

In the hallway she came to an alcove set into the wall. She was surprised to see it was the first of many, all with plaques at the base as if the house was some sort of museum.

The first plaque read 'Lightning Bug' and, sure enough, there was a couple little yellow insects flying around inside. They were using a plant for target practice and she could swear she could hear little rolls of thunder.

As she walked down the hallway, she gazed in wonder at the gold bug, was filled by a warm and fuzzy feeling simply by looking at the love bug, but she was so disgusted she nearly threw up at the slimy and writhing intestinal bug.

The cute and soft bedbug waved its antenna at her, but she was getting annoyed at the puns, so she walked faster past, past the bugseed, past everything else, until she got to the last alcove.

The plaque read: **BUGBEAR**.

The space set into the wall was empty.

She heard growling in the shadows behind her.

She spun around, hitting the unseen figure behind her with the giant graham cracker she was still carrying.

She caught a glimpse of fur and feelers amid the immense cloud of dust as the cookie crumbled.

Coughing, she started to run forward, towards the door at the far end of the hallway.

##

A short sprint later, Buffy reached the back door of the house and flung it open.

She nearly fell forward, which probably would've been a bad idea.

There was no sign of the powdered snow on this side of the house, but the peaceful pool of marshmallow creme had been replaced with an evil-smelling lake of castor oil.

It was lapping at the doorstop beneath her feet.

_Eeeeewwwww..._ she thought, looking around at the bloated vegetables and other things that had changed while she was in the house.

She considered turning around and facing the bugbear in the dark, but... when some horribly disfigured limb swiped at her back... she made up her mind and flung herself forward, into the thick liquid.


End file.
